An Open Letter

No, don't worry, no political chat here...

Instead I'm writing an open letter to a beast called Sentiment and it's backwards looking, neck curling, reality twisting and rose tinting limbs.

Sentiment, I hate you.

I loath you not for those beautiful moments you've allowed me to remember in petroleum jelly covered lens softness, I don't hate you for those old feelings of warm and fuzzy that you've let me keep and relive at random intervals throughout any day, when thoughts of friends, family or a loved one creep into my head, those things are the reasons I adore you and have kept you around for so long.

Sentiment, I use to love you.

Unfortunately, you've crossed the line.

You're keepin' me down man. You gotta go.

I won't say it'll be fun, and it probably won't be quick, but you're out.

One of my oldest friends use to tell me I was able to cut myself out of any situation with surgical precision, the same friend, accused me of being sentimental not three weeks ago!

So I'm done, and instead taking another wonderful friend's advice and writing a list of superpowers that I would like to have. They may not be useful, they may be a little odd, but they're mine, here is a small selection:

• I would like to be able to see into people's shoes -- I hate feet. Those of you that know me well know that I can hardly touch my own, so I'd like to know what other people's feet look like before I allow them into my house and see their feet (this is Asia, where the shoes stay at the door yo.)
• I'd like to be able to cure mild headaches and colds -- Just because this would essentially make me the most popular person in the world, although, it may lead to a Midas touch type situation whereby I would be surrounded by only mildly sick people.
• I'd like to be able to relieve poverty by drilling good economic sense into the corrupt governments of poverty stricken countries.
• Leading on from the last one I would also like to have all corrupt world leaders murdered with no emotional or other negative consequences.
• I would like to have the strength to turn down baked goods, or not finish a slice of cake -- those of you that know me well know that this is the most ambitious.
• Being able to transport myself from one place to another in an instance. For obvious reasons this would be awesome.

As yet, this list contains no real ambitions, I mean, they are really things I want, they're just completely unachievable. I'm working on it though.

Christmas and New Year were awesome thanks to some grade A hospitality. I got a Fuji instax, and some perfume. More than I deserved. This does mean that I've been polaroiding away and have very few digital pictures though. These wee gems were found on my phone....

Double G had some horns lying around. Really.

My language exchange, more an eat and bitch. How cute is that though?

Friggin' cute eh?

Still cute, adulthood looming... dum dum duuuuum...

That's all I have, it isn't much, I know. I have a bunch of unedited entries which I need to get around to posting considering they're far more interesting and insightful. meh.

Dx

Cough, Splutter, Look that way!

I'm listening to a woman's hour podcast, as I do nearly every night before I go to sleep.

One of the topics today is 'coital vocalisation'. This is interesting in a lot of ways, mostly because it flings a certain American ex-flatmates theory that WH was for housewives, right out the spoken word radio window. AHEM, nee-ner-nee-ner.

Red Button

Life in Taiwan is just getting stranger and stranger, and the more time I spend here the smaller I realise the place is.

Take Edinburgh for example, it's a really small place, and bumping into people you'd rather not bump into happens all the time. It seems though that it wasn't quite as small as Taichung. I literally know what everyone else is doing and when.

That means everyone else knows what I'm doing as well. That's not a nice feeling, like the CCTV cameras in London but worse because you know everyone's judging you...

On the upside, it also means that as quickly as scandal is scandalising all the upright citizens, another one comes in to make the scandalized citizens think that the last one wasn't so bad.

Bad form. Bad form indeed! (<-- That's me, judging.)

Done

My mum told me that I had to think about jobs and careers and what I want to do.

I want to tell her that she should think about jobs and careers herself. How do you have a 'yo' momma' argument with your own mother?

Can I not just keep travelling for the rest of my life? I think the bags under my eyes are vetoing that idea. 'Settle down' they say 'eat some salad and get a tan' they say.

So where to settle?

I went to Stockholm when I was on Erasmus. I want to live there, hows about it?

Close enough to the family in the UK, no further to the Israeli family, big city, good looking people, good looking Israeli Swedish babies? Yes, maybe.

Right, so I am now accepting all suggestions as to where I should live, and what sort of permanent employment I should be looking for, and generally, any advice you'd like to throw at me, suggested topics: 'How to get rid of mosquitoes', 'How to make your shower curtain stay up', 'How to make friends and influence people', 'This is where you should live', 'This is where you should work' and 'How to live like a responsible adult'

I think I have a chest infection but look how cute my kids are!

Ok, so I realise it looks a bit like something from the grudge, but it isn't, they're normally more smiley than this!

So, erm, this is England... that little bit at the top is little England, and that little island is Old England and.... wow...

This is teacher Clinton, he's 22, needless to say, this is not true to life, although he does have blue eyes, facial hair, and a bald head, so not too far.

This is an awfully blurry picture. When you go for lunch with a very tall blonde guy in Asia, people will take pictures of you with their super cool Fuji instex mini. You will then have to take a picture on your phone of said picture (which is beautiful by the way) and hope that somewhere out there, there's a friend of yours who has the £50 to buy you said cool camera. Yes.

What did you say? not circles? a hill with a spiraling path upwards to where again?

I'm gonna get right into it with the Red Button;

When I was in Estonia I use to joke that part of the goal Erasmus programme was to cross breed Europeans. This would, in turn increase mobility and considering the xenophobic nature of the origin of the highest participant country (France) this made a lot of sense in my head.

You take a bunch of 20 something year old university students, give them a bunch of money and tell their university 'not to take them too seriously' because after all, we're only Erasmus students and we'll have to get to real work when we get back.

It was debauchery.

I was shielded.

I had a cute boy, who was casual enough no to disturb my general routines, but was steady and loyal. It meant that by default I was out of range of any of the incestuous goings on of a small expat community, I was an observer and although sometimes it was painful to see the lows that women would stoop to, my closest friends were never involved.

I guess now that the expats are a little older, working and, for some odd reason I expected it to be different. I'm not protected by a bubble, and not surrounded by the rest of my harem and so it's not even entertaining. It's just a little, well, a little pukey.

and release...

Mid terms came and went and it seems like more than ever, there is just no way of voting that makes sense.

Am I wrong or weren't we promised political reform in voting systems in the UK? I wonder if there was actually ever any research done not into which party would ensure staying in power via a certain political voting system but which one would actually represent the will of the people?

Mind you, I've met some people who if it was my choice, would not get to vote.

This kid, is one of them;

Now before you think that Taiwan is full of miniature homework writing Nazis, we're reading a book in class that tells them (most of them for the first time) about Hitler, it's only one very short chapter and one of them is about Jesse Owens. It in no way glorifies Hitler, and this kid's reading comprehension is obviously just very much lacking.

Grading homework is like a forty minute sketch show...

I'll leave you with a picture of some love, so that you know that life in Taiwan doesn't suck as long as there are some hot women rubbing up on you.

Dx

If you dress up like a minstrel, don't expect me not to hit you in the face with the phallic object that you're holding, k?

I feel enlightened.

Not like Hume, let's face it, I'm never going to be that kind of enlightened but somewhat wiser about my stay here in Taiwan.

Three major factors are involved in this new found understanding (which is less an understanding but more a sort of acknowledgement of what has been staring me in the face for the last couple of months);

1. When I lived in Scotland I was a busy person. When I first got here I was not. Work takes up a significant portion of the day but I found that that was it. I've stopped that, living for the weekend has been a new thing for me and it didn't suit. Midweek fun is where it's at. Word.

2. Don't screw the crew. Okay, not literally, I've never been a crew screwer, but meeting people that I don't work with, and don't speak about work with is good for me. I'm lucky, the people I work with on an everyday basis are awesome but inevitably shop talk is a big part of too many conversations.

3. A late night conversation with a master of enjoyment (a French boy of course) reminded me that my moral high grounds really aren't that high. I'll be leaving my soap box at home from now on, maybe even on the porch. LTD

Red Button

Facebook. Now y'all know that I'm a fan of facebook, one might even say I would 'like' facebook if facebook had a fan page, which I'm sure it does but I'm not gonna look for it. Anyway, it's an awesome way of keeping in touch with with my people which are, as you might imagine with a spawn like myself, all over the friggin' place and it's also an excellent way of keeping in touch with both my non-travelling friend folk and my travelling friend folk. There was a time that my collective boyfriend and I had to organise everything on facebook, our tradition for breakfasting together meant invites to five people on a closed event (by the way collective boyfriend, I miss you, and I think about you everyday) often with two of the collective answering maybe.

In the last couple of months facebook has been mean to me. It has this picture suggestion thing and even though I had hidden undesirable former emotional attachments from my feed it would consistently bring up pictures of them (not just one!) looking entirely too pleased in my absence. Nay I yelled! and had I known how to turn the suggestion thing off I would have done so. As it stands I don't, but have found that if I just don't look at pictures, they don't come up.

This sounds as if I'm talking about ex boyfriends and yes, I won't deny, they are amongst the masses but actually, it's everyone. People that I like/love having fun with out me. Not that I'm not having fun, but I'd rather have fun with them.

Red button release.

My CT (co-teacher) took me to the flower festival last week. The flowers were nice, nicer was where we were. I live in the tropics bitch.

flower pot giraffe yo!

Janice and her dad

duck?

My farmer's tan. I was trying to keep my face out of the picture but the look of suffering is kinda priceless.

This little gem was in our teacher's guide. Now I've heard about the curriculum writers being over worked but seriously?

Dx

Press iiiiiit!

Shiny red buttons have always been a particular weakness of mine.

I can think of more than one occasion where this has been the source of trouble, although never trouble so serious as to have rid me of the need to push the next red button I see.

The red button below is located just above my bed and presumably controls the fire alarm and the four sprinklers in my ceiling.

Red Button

The problem is, I have only just noticed it.

I have only just noticed it and I really want to push it.

I'm not going to, for a variety of reasons:

1. I am an adult with some level of control over my own hands.

2. I have electronic equipment in the room that is too precious to be water damaged by the sprinkler system that would presumably be set off by the pushing of said red button.

3. It would scare the dog.

4. My doorman David is kinda creepy and I really don't want to give him any kind of excuse to come in here.

I could go on. I won't though.

What I'll do instead is push other red buttons. Ones that are less physical.

Red Button of the Day/week/year (I'm not entirely sure this will be a constant feature.)

Have you ever noticed how drama follows some people around?

I'm not ashamed to say that when I was younger I courted drama and enjoyed being in the centre of a scandal. When I wasn't the centre of said scandal I would judge to the point of interfering so as to make me a part of it. I am ashamed to say that I guess to some degree the latter part of that is still in me somewhere, maybe not as repressed as I like it to be, but repressed enough not to realise it's full potential before I give it a swift kick up the fanny and tell it to fuck.right.off.

Not everyone grows out of it.

Some people still send that text instead of having that awkward conversation or say this instead of that, or, well, they blatantly take the spoons out of their pockets and begin their stirring. The problem with those people as grown-ups is that they often wield a strange social power and an ability to scratch the surface of any conversation without ever being able to have an in-depth conversation about any one thing (I recommend that these people get a smart phone and a wikipedia application), both these qualities, although admirable to a certain degree and necessary to all those that consider a career in politics is completely redundant in an average social situation.

One cannot but feel that these people should just fuck.right.off.

Red button release.

I have a stack of bills. I would really like to pay them, but they're all in Chinese! arf. Makes me feel like I'm a kid again having to get help paying the bills.

For a while there I was feeling like an adult, but nooooooooooo, life has to come along and given me a bill in a foreign language to remind me that my head might be 25 but I still look and have the basic comprehension abilities of a 17 year old.

Can someone from back home come and visit me please?

I'd like that.

Dx

Falls, falling, and water.

So this entry was going to be some huge bitch fest about old men taking their place between the legs of young Asian women. It's not going to be. I'm banking that one for a darker day.

I went back to the waterfall that I was meant to go to the day of the dreaded accident yesterday. It was awesome fun.

No, I didn't drive, my friend Alex kindly did that. I did sit on the back of my own scooter gritting my teeth in absolute terror for at least 20 minutes of the 45 minutes either way. That shit be SCAAAARY. I'm talking 'bout scary like The Hills Have Eyes, not like a roller-coaster-fun-scary.

Was worth it though, If only to see Alex get LEEEEECHED. I didn't get any, I guess they decided I won't taste as good, I guess like most Taiwanese they prefer blonds.

Some visuals for you (unfortunately no pictures of the big fall, I was too busy 1.bathing 2.eating passion-fruit and apple 3. sitting on a rock avoiding leeches)...

Alex and Ranko (My scooter, aptly named after a lady I know would buck me if I tried to ride her ass!)

They're not that big in real life, it's an optical illusion.

I fostered a dog last week. He's awesome. Got hit by two cars and had three legs broken and still running around like the puppy that he is. Only problem is, he's a puppy, which requires full time attention which isn't working out so well. I come home to new obscure de-constructed porch art pieces every day. Here's hoping he gets adopted soon!

HiHo

My face is healing, considering the amount of stitches I had and how bad the accident actually was I look pretty much as I did before with added scars to the nose and chin. I was laughed at when I went to the cosmetic surgeons because I have so many scars on my face, he said we Western women are either too clumsy or too adventurous. I think he may have been hinting I should be wearing a full padded suite.

I'm missing home. Or more accurately, I'm missing my friends. And I'm annoyed that I can't get any bearing on what's going on in European politics because it's too far and there's no real political discussion here. I think I'm becoming stupid and ignorant. You should save me by emailing me short reports about what's happening outside Asia.

Night time!

Dx

when scabs dry, they make a noise if you tap them with your nail.

Yuck!

I have never seen my body in a state of such yuckiness.

Many of you already know that I had a scooter accident last week.

It was a fairly serious accident but luckily involved no one but myself. It was my first day on the scooter and we were going up a mountain and I took a very sharp turn too quickly. My friend Greg kindly drew this to demonstrate what happaned while he was riding behind me;

I remember nothing of the evening, which is really just as well because the hospital visit afterwards involved some scraping out of the road from the wounds and by the description given by a friend I'm pretty happy I can't remember the amount of pain that involved.

A few hours after the accident with the top I was wearing at the time. I was lucky not to have rubbed off a nipple.

Leg damage. Looks worse now! funny how it looks worse when it's healing.

Face damage. This rather embarrassing self portrait was taken in order to demonstrate my injuries to my parents. There's about 19 stitches in that nose...

I'm a lucky girl and everyone that was around me helped, made sure I was okay and took care of me throughout the first few days of immobility.

It did make me hopelessly homesick and friend sick. People did all the right things while I was sick, but I wanted to be at home at that point.

Very nearly dying puts things in prospective.

I have since got back on my scooter and yesterday took my first solo drive! I feel good about not having given up completely.

I went to a party in a mansion in the mountains this weekend. It was in a mansion in some creepy abandoned town. I say creepy, but it was uber beautiful, it was just that half the houses were abandoned (the rich people moved out after an earthquake making the huge houses super cheap to rent but also emptied the neighbourhoods) a six floor mansion for 6 people. It was odd how many empty spaces they had there, I'd inevitably fill every space with junk, I hate emptiness. I'd end up having five dogs and each would have their own room. I might also collect people (live ones!) to fill the spaces.

My tolerance for bullshit, which has always been rather low is getting somewhat lower. I think it's the heat. I may end up like one of those old fashioned gremlins from the game, squeezing my head until it explodes. Either that or I just ignore conversations. I think the latter will be preferable. Tips and hints on how to do this are welcome. Turning head around to look at the TV is only an option for so long...

D

Noms, children and roof top swimming pools

Taiwan, as expected, has brought some of the best noms I have ever nommed on into my life. From the night market just underneath my house to the sit down air conditioned fancy eateries that line every street in Taichung (pronounced Tai'djung) I have had some amazing food, and amazing experiences while eating it.

Dumplings, Korean BBQs that involve your own hob and hot plate in the middle of the table, night market lunchbox buffets, hole in the wall tea shops where tea is mixed like a cocktail with ice in shakers and fruit infusions, fish that comes straight out of an aquarium that I thought was a design feature, lunchbox deliveries to school with slimey noodles that have that overcooked spaghetti slurpiness but a melting quality as soon as you bite, korean pizzas and hotpots and, well, a lot...

No English on menus has turned out to be a blessing although the occasional sea snail dish has infiltrated my table. It has been one wholly overwhelming expieriance for my mouth, in the best possible way.

Dumplings

Night market lunchbox

No idea what this is, but it tasted too good!

Una (one of my co-teachers) and our dinner tonight, Chinese hotpot and fish. That's apple green tea there on the side.

Teaching has been a steep learning curve. My head office training, although intensive, didn't prepare me for the adventure that would be 19 kids in a classroom tired after a whole day of school and more fascinated by my odd looks than my incomprehensible English accent and grammar patterns. The first week felt long and hard, hours of planning, overthinking and a need to script my lessons wasn't helpful. In my second week I have been using sticky notes and a general attitude of come-what-may. The second method has undoubtedly been working much better. The kids are too awesome for words! I love them, even when they shout out answers, walk around behind me impersonating me and complaining about their poor test results. Taiwanese kids are, in essence just good nice, polite and very hard working little beings.

My favourite student is one that bangs his hands on his head when he can't spell, I can't help myself it's just so damn cute!

I'm super excited about the first week of October, I have a new class, and get to name the kids! They all need to have English names so we actually get to choose their names! (Personally I have about 5 Apples, an Audi, about a bazillion Candy's and Cindy's and one Beck (?!))

A while ago I posted a picture on FB of all my dissertation notes. I found myself in a similar position at school, with the big difference being the awesome tea I had to comfort me (green tea and passion fruit)

Needless to say the tea made this lesson planning a pleasure.

Argh, I have so much to say, but after an afternoon spent swimming at a friends roof top swimming pool, and two classes tomorrow the words aren't coming out, and when they do it's garbled nonsense... badly written blog posts are becoming a bad habit....

Dx

Taipei Ta Da!

The bright lights of the city, and boy oh boy are they bright!

Taipei is everything I expected it to be. Smokey-smelly-tasty-noisey-polluted-beautiful-busy-city.

The smoke is thick above the city. A strange mix of heavy humid hot air and clouds that sit above make for a small hotbox of all the strange smells that humans make when they're living in such close quarters, it should smell bad but it just smells of my own excitement.

The noms are supreme (some of the best noms I have ever had)! and are to be found everywhere from the hotel to small allies between crowded buildings. Dumplings, and fluffy rice, and sticky rice, and rice with unidentified yet beautiful tasting unidentified stuff on it.

The roads are so busy that crossing them is scary even though the pedestrian light is green and 90 seconds is plenty of time the general chaos of what's happening on the other part of the road triggers a natural response of flight 'Go to the sidewalk! just stay there until the cars stop!' but they don't and inevitably I will have to cross the road...

The nightmarkets are so busy that they've grown to be their own small towns. Selling everything from bags, watches, stinky tofu, phones and dogs (puppies...) the place seems to be heaving with the excitement of newly found riches and consumerist pleasure.

I just finished my training today. Beers with my team mates (I should say colleagues now, but I want them to stay my team mates a little while longer) in a barn with a cover band was interesting. I think I may have just heard the only good version of Blue's famous single 'One Love' also, a hot small Asian girl standing on our table and singing is never a bad thing...

Training was intense. After a week of singing, playing, pretending we're an audience of 2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16 year olds sure does suck the joy out of you pretty quick and somehow it was okay because other people were doing it. Makes me think about whether or not I'd jump off a building just cos everyone else did it, seems likely.

I had an awesome time in Taipei, and again I only have the people that I met here to thank for it. Taiwanese people could possibly be the kindest people in the world and being on the receiving end of their helpful ways has been fantastic.

Tonight to sleep, tomorrow to Taichung=>find flat=> start teaching.

wish me luck, I'll need it...

D

Did that just happen?

So after an absolutely fantastic few weeks it was inevitable that there would be a little bit of disappointment at the end.

• The first came in the form of a venomous email in my inbox. Spewing with horrid anger and frustration that may, or may not have had anything to do with me.
• The second came when my flight to Taiwan was "Delayed until further notice." It left two hours after it was meant to, had shit movies (there's a Shrek 4?!). I slept one short hour out of thirteen before the lady next to me (who was eating very smelly dried fish sticks) decided to hop over me to get to the bathroom, and failed...
• The third, and most likely the most sever came in the form of the hostel. My job very kindly offered to put me up in the hotel where the training will be held from the moment I arrived, I turned them down and said I'll book a hostel so I could meet some people, perhaps go out, little bit of chat tatata... Who do I meet? A Scottish guy from the Borders that wanted to tell me all about Taiwanese tax law, and a Canadian guy who I overhear telling a Korean guy that before the British formed Pakistan there were no Muslims in India. Okay, so I go to bed, I'm wrecked I haven't slept in abut 36 hours, and this isn't my scene. I'm writing an email, and a little mosquito appears on the bed, hmmm... weird, the air con is on, and there's nets. BED BUGS. Place is crawling with them. So, am currently cradling all my worldly possessions sitting stuck (its 30c) to a faux leather couch in the common room with one 'Walter-the-night-porter" making eyes at me.

Is that three? I counted three there.

Let's hope it really does come in threes otherwise I'm in for some pain, and seriously, I'm waaaaaaaaayyyyyy too tired for any more pain.

Tomorrow I leave this hostel (I say tomorrow, I mean in a few hours, it's 5.44am)

On the upside, I was collected at the airport by a Merc with tinted windows which made me feel like a rockstar, and Taiwanese people are soooo nice and helpful (also tall and handsome which is an unexpected surprise.)

To shower, or not to shower? that is the question.

Below you will find an exact replica of said faux leather couch -- so good, they just had to have two!

couch

Here's hoping that the next post won't be a bad 'un too.

I have not been discouraged, just a little bad luck. Never killed anyone, right??

in out in out and shake it all about

This week has been amazing.

I had the most wonderful company while my folks were away on holiday in the shape of some of the lovely Erasmus ladies plus some of the loveliest from London and Edinburgh.

writing sentences to tell you about how great it was would make this entry too long so here's a few of the highlights in bullet point form:

• All these girls are beautiful. Superficial perhaps, but it sure makes it pleasant.
• It involved just the right amounts of intellectual conversation/silliness/boy chat/bitchy gossip.
• Everyone fitted into the house perfectly, cooking was a pleasure and there was no line for the toilet because of my mum's love of en suites.
• The food, oh the food! Nice to have a bunch of food loving/guzzling girls around. Even if my cheesecake wasn't amazing they still ate it and made nomming sounds while doing it, it made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
• My fantastic friend Farrah showed me how to BBQ making boys completely redundant- well, nearly.
• Nearly everyone made it for this reunion, and the people who didn't will make it for the next one.
• My girlfriends like/love each other, even if they never met before.

Those are just a few of the reasons that my week was awesome. There are loads of others but some of those simply aren't suitable for Internet publication.

Now that I've completely unpacked, I shall start packing again for Taiwan. Yes, argh....

Exciting!

Dx

I'm a winner, I thope.

Today has been long. It started around 4.30am with a missed call. Crap.

Waking up so early resulted in repetitive attempts to go back to sleep, all of which failed and pretty miserably so. What was I doing you wonder? Well, I was staring at the ceiling attempting not to think about the next day. As much as I love travelling the actual transit seems to be getting more painful with every journey. “Ouch” I say to myself “my back hurts” immediately followed by thoughts of getting old and a general decision not to speak to myself because that in itself implies aging.

I watched ‘Good Hair’ not long ago, Maya Angelou only had her hair relaxed at the age of seventy and when Chris Rock asked her “You went your whole life without having your hair relaxed?!” she very quickly replied “I’m still alive!”

I have to admit that one of my biggest fears going on this trip was wasting time. As if I’m running right behind some invisible family/career that I’ve not had the chance to have yet and they’re just out of arm’s reach as long as I’m on the road. Making the right choice is important, being completely honest with oneself is also important and if I’m honest I’m not ready for a career or a family (I’m just about ready to start eating with chopsticks). Would I rather go to London and start working or would I rather find myself some exciting opportunity in something related to what I want to do or the same dull opportunity in a place a little more exciting than London. I did put a question mark after that sentence but it just didn’t seem like I was asking a question.

As painful as the moment before I got on the train was, it’s more painful thinking that I didn’t do the travelling I promised myself that I would do the whole time I was locked in the 24hour computer lab writing my dissertation. This was always meant to be my treat after graduating and even if it lasts a couple of months and I end up running back with my tiny tail between my tiny (but surprisingly strong) legs and go back to Edinburgh to be a waitress again that’ll be just fine with me at least I still went.

Jeebus I’m gonna miss baking. My friend recently told me that flats in Taiwan don’t come with ovens. I think I might cry over pictures of cupcakes and cakes and roast dinners that will never be. Hmph.

Is it just me, or is everything changing?

Six days till I go to London. So a list of six things that have changed for me since I first got to Edinburgh.

1. The situation in the Middle East. erm, no, false start...

1. I have a degree -- Whod've thunk it. I know it's a repetitive theme here, but until I work for something else for another four years, I think it might be one that sticks.

1.1 I am in £12,000 worth of debt. Nearly as impressive as the former with just as much potential to change my life.

2. Pay grade -- When I left London I was on great money. I came here, and between my minimum wage jobs and my student loan... All I want is a nice handbag and a charm bracelet, yes, a friggin' charm bracelet.

3. Cooking/Baking -- In particular how I feel about it, especially baking. Hell, The boy that I lived with when I first moved to Edinburgh suffered many a rock hard cookie attempts and over cooked Tortellini from Tesco. Now not only do I enjoy it, it's the most fun I have on my own.

4. My ability to tolerate stupidity -- Unfortunately, as I get older so does my tact seem to shrink. I thought I would get more tolerant, or at least a bit better at hiding the fact that I'm not tolerant. Didn't work, I think I'm getting significantly worse. I have managed to contain that tactless manner at work though. G-d wants me to be employed...

5. The way I look at business -- I really believe that businesses should be involved in community cohesion where ever they might be operating. The more local this is, the more fruitful I believe the relationship could be.

6. My political optimism -- I use to love the fact that I still believed that some politicians are honest, I felt a sort of pride about not having lost faith in the political system, or the politicians themselves. Yup, lost now...

So these are six things, not by any means the most significant, important and they're not particularly personal but they changed. The few friends I've had since I moved here could probably point out some better more significant ones, but hey, it's 1.30am and I've been playing a game of can't sleep won't sleep for about a week.

Did anyone hear that there's a new controller over at Radio 4? She's pretty impressive. I love the fact that she beat Peston to the job as well, brilliant. She did, however mention she wants to make Radio 4 more culturally diverse, I'm wondering what the hell that means.

6 days! come say goodbye before I run away.

D

Me, a loser? yeah, maybe.

I was recently called a loser.

Yes, yes, I can hear your calls of protest, I know, and to be fair I think it was a boy pulling my pigtails.

BUT... It did make me think. Considering the fact that I am now 25, and I really left school at 16 and have only just managed to graduate, I got to thinking about how we define 'loser'. I came up with loosely. So of course we all have our own definitions of success, and yes, mine is not linked with academia or money (which is a real shame, I think I may have potentially been a high achiever if my motivation for making scrap books for friends was similar to my motivation to make money) although both qualifications and dollar are things I realise that I need.

My oldest brother recently told me "you know what, I really wanna be rich, but I just realised I'm too lazy" now my brother isn't lazy in the conventional way, he works full time and still manages to squeeze studying for a degree in there. He simply enjoys the good life, spending time with his new wife, eating well and essentially enjoying the great place he lives in. That doesn't make him lazy, neither does it make him a loser I guess it just means his priorities are different, right?

So if it's just a matter of priority I think that everyone that doesn't vote or take an active part in democracy is a loser. Is that okay? no, not really, I know plenty of people that don't take part in democracy and yes I despise them a little (tends to be only around election time), but not enough to think they're losers, or distance myself from them. Wrecking my brain since the night of the original insult(s -- I was also laughed at for my height, the fact I smoke rolling tobacco, my pay grade -which was by the way the minimum wage- and various other things I can't help) I have only been able to think of one loser, and really, it's only because this particular person thinks he needs to lie about his achievements.

I should start packing, I'm procrastibaking/procrasticooking all the time instead of doing that. Shit, will I ever be able to leave this place? I have too much stuff. What should I be taking to Taiwan? how many evening dresses is it appropriate to take in my backpack? Will I take my hair straighteners? it's exhausting all this thinking. I might go make some Red Velvet Hummingbird cupcakes with Nastasja now, seems like more fun than packing/thinking about packing/writing about thinking about packing.

This track has been on repeat in my head for about three months (since Simao posted it) I find myself swooning over Mr. Homme in the same way I did ten years ago when I first listened to songs for the deaf.

Doctors have never scared me. Ever.

I always think that whatever is wrong with me is easily cured by painkillers and that any more serious health problems are left to people that are less dramatic and more positive about life. Firstly, I should mention that faced with the possibility of having a serious health problem, I have been neither dramatic nor negative and secondly, I'm now scared of Doctors.

It isn't quite the actual Doctor as it is the power that they seem to wield with their words "dysfunction", "unusual cell growth", "in brain". Yes, scary eh? I thought so too. I think there should be a ban on speaking in those terms if you have a medical degree.

(This has, by the way, been and gone, I won't be dying of a brain tumour any time soon)

This week has been a terrible news week. The football overtakes basically everything (thousands displaced in Brazil- death toll as yet unknown, Gaza blockade relaxed, Oil in the U.S and so on...) I hate the sporting news being more newsworthy than natural disasters/ important politics that affect us all in one way or another.

I was faced with an odd comment from a good friend the other day asking if I think it's right that "people would have to work until they're 70!" as if that should shock and appall me, it did neither. People in less developed countries work till they drop to be able to feed themselves, we work until we're 70 (when we have free health care and a good 10years before we become incontinent) and even then, if we saved money for retirement (10p from every £1 from the age of 28! seems unrealistic even for those of us most responsible) we could still retire whenever we wanted and we would be able to withdraw our state pension at the appropriate age. This last paragraph reminded me that I am a bit of a bore.

My old flatmate Ruth's short (but very sweet) visit has made me realise the transient nature of a city that has four universities and a big famous castle that brings the tourists to the yard (essentially Edinburgh Castle is the equivalent of Kelis' 'milkshake') and reminded me that this was always just a temporary solution to the lack of degree. Bah, where else will I find a mosque that serves me food? where?!

I need to remember all the bad things about Edinburgh. Jakies, schemmies, drunks, the last three leading to violence, lack of diversity, the general anaemia of the population, the strong winds that regularly batter me and I think in the long term would lead to premature ageing of the skin, too many tourists on any given sunny day, scary groups of small(ish) kids and I could go on but actually, I love this city, and the strange jakies, and the fact that it turns from Bruntsfield leafiness to Fountainbridge scariness in the space of 500meters and a 10minute stroll.

Pastures new. I want to learn Chinese, or at least how to say 'hello', 'thank you' and 'that one'.

D

Think+Hope=Thope

The recent death of a mouse in my kitchen sink sunk me to a joyless level that I hadn't been in for months.

I know... it's a mouse, and really, it never asked permission before it went in my sink, and had he done so I would have informed him it was a bad idea and that his life maybe in danger.

But no, he neither asked, nor did I give him that warning and I found him the next morning lying flat on his little mousy tummy with his arms and legs outstretched like a small flattened Nando's chicken.

I was miserable. For a whole day. I even passed up the chance of procrastibaking (=baking+procrastinating) with one of my favourite people.

This misery is still kind of running around but the good news has started flowing in again and it's made me feel somewhere between guilty and overjoyed.

I mean, of course the mouse wouldn't have been able to go to Taiwan with Leanne, and sure, it wouldn't have ever been able to meet my Erasmus friends in London, but the wee bugger never even got the crumb he was after (my sink was unusually clean)

Remember that Muller advert with the pleasure and pain what if every time I get good news a mouse dies? I'd be like the ultimate happy vermin controller...

Sarina, Matt, and Timo all left town in the last ten days (it started with Sarina ten days ago, then Timo left, and we took Matt to the airport yesterday.

This left Nastasja and I somewhat deranged and we sat outside a Tesco's on their £3.50 plastic chairs for what seemed like five minutes but must have been about an hour talking about CVs, jobs, London, MBAs, and Genitals. All the while Nastaja was easting a chocolate croissant.

I finish work on the 11th July! can anyone think of anything I should do in Edinburgh before I leave? (bearing in mind that I have been living here for four and a half years, so going to Crammond or the Castle is out...)

Oh, and how does everyone feel about austerity measures? National deficit cut to nothing in five years? seems unlikely.

ends, beginnings and middle cravings.

Life is sweet.

The last couple of months (the time after I handed my dissertation in) have served as a pretty good reminder of how golden my life here in Edinburgh has been.

My friends are awesome,

my flat is warm, I make a mean cake, and my work has enough banter to supply good chat for a thousand corporate events. I also switched to Android after an unfortunate incident with the iPhone and a club.

So much exciting stuff is just about to happen that I am finding it progressively more difficult to be sad about leaving. I am, however, becoming anxious.

Damn it, I'm pretty much pooping my little pants.

I have a ticket to go to Taiwan, but no real idea whether or not I'll find a job, whether or not I'll find decent people to hang out with and I don't even know how long I'll be staying for.

A little while ago a cute boy told me that "as we get older, it becomes more important to make the right decision, so that you don't waste time" Not an exact quote, but the gist is there, that plus my parents' worried stares when I told them that I have no idea when or whether I'll be back has only made the anxiety and the contemplation about decisions worse.

But hey, if I don't do this now what would I do? Move to London? join the rat race? get a job? I don't want any of that (much to my mother's dismay...)

Anyway, I'm really struggling with the idea of blogging because I find that most blogs are so self indulgent that its sickening, so please, links in comments to blogs that aren't.

D