I'm a winner, I thope.

Today has been long. It started around 4.30am with a missed call. Crap.

Waking up so early resulted in repetitive attempts to go back to sleep, all of which failed and pretty miserably so. What was I doing you wonder? Well, I was staring at the ceiling attempting not to think about the next day. As much as I love travelling the actual transit seems to be getting more painful with every journey. “Ouch” I say to myself “my back hurts” immediately followed by thoughts of getting old and a general decision not to speak to myself because that in itself implies aging.

I watched ‘Good Hair’ not long ago, Maya Angelou only had her hair relaxed at the age of seventy and when Chris Rock asked her “You went your whole life without having your hair relaxed?!” she very quickly replied “I’m still alive!”

I have to admit that one of my biggest fears going on this trip was wasting time. As if I’m running right behind some invisible family/career that I’ve not had the chance to have yet and they’re just out of arm’s reach as long as I’m on the road. Making the right choice is important, being completely honest with oneself is also important and if I’m honest I’m not ready for a career or a family (I’m just about ready to start eating with chopsticks). Would I rather go to London and start working or would I rather find myself some exciting opportunity in something related to what I want to do or the same dull opportunity in a place a little more exciting than London. I did put a question mark after that sentence but it just didn’t seem like I was asking a question.

As painful as the moment before I got on the train was, it’s more painful thinking that I didn’t do the travelling I promised myself that I would do the whole time I was locked in the 24hour computer lab writing my dissertation. This was always meant to be my treat after graduating and even if it lasts a couple of months and I end up running back with my tiny tail between my tiny (but surprisingly strong) legs and go back to Edinburgh to be a waitress again that’ll be just fine with me at least I still went.

Jeebus I’m gonna miss baking. My friend recently told me that flats in Taiwan don’t come with ovens. I think I might cry over pictures of cupcakes and cakes and roast dinners that will never be. Hmph.

Is it just me, or is everything changing?

Six days till I go to London. So a list of six things that have changed for me since I first got to Edinburgh.

1. The situation in the Middle East. erm, no, false start...

1. I have a degree -- Whod've thunk it. I know it's a repetitive theme here, but until I work for something else for another four years, I think it might be one that sticks.

1.1 I am in £12,000 worth of debt. Nearly as impressive as the former with just as much potential to change my life.

2. Pay grade -- When I left London I was on great money. I came here, and between my minimum wage jobs and my student loan... All I want is a nice handbag and a charm bracelet, yes, a friggin' charm bracelet.

3. Cooking/Baking -- In particular how I feel about it, especially baking. Hell, The boy that I lived with when I first moved to Edinburgh suffered many a rock hard cookie attempts and over cooked Tortellini from Tesco. Now not only do I enjoy it, it's the most fun I have on my own.

4. My ability to tolerate stupidity -- Unfortunately, as I get older so does my tact seem to shrink. I thought I would get more tolerant, or at least a bit better at hiding the fact that I'm not tolerant. Didn't work, I think I'm getting significantly worse. I have managed to contain that tactless manner at work though. G-d wants me to be employed...

5. The way I look at business -- I really believe that businesses should be involved in community cohesion where ever they might be operating. The more local this is, the more fruitful I believe the relationship could be.

6. My political optimism -- I use to love the fact that I still believed that some politicians are honest, I felt a sort of pride about not having lost faith in the political system, or the politicians themselves. Yup, lost now...

So these are six things, not by any means the most significant, important and they're not particularly personal but they changed. The few friends I've had since I moved here could probably point out some better more significant ones, but hey, it's 1.30am and I've been playing a game of can't sleep won't sleep for about a week.

Did anyone hear that there's a new controller over at Radio 4? She's pretty impressive. I love the fact that she beat Peston to the job as well, brilliant. She did, however mention she wants to make Radio 4 more culturally diverse, I'm wondering what the hell that means.

6 days! come say goodbye before I run away.

D

Me, a loser? yeah, maybe.

I was recently called a loser.

Yes, yes, I can hear your calls of protest, I know, and to be fair I think it was a boy pulling my pigtails.

BUT... It did make me think. Considering the fact that I am now 25, and I really left school at 16 and have only just managed to graduate, I got to thinking about how we define 'loser'. I came up with loosely. So of course we all have our own definitions of success, and yes, mine is not linked with academia or money (which is a real shame, I think I may have potentially been a high achiever if my motivation for making scrap books for friends was similar to my motivation to make money) although both qualifications and dollar are things I realise that I need.

My oldest brother recently told me "you know what, I really wanna be rich, but I just realised I'm too lazy" now my brother isn't lazy in the conventional way, he works full time and still manages to squeeze studying for a degree in there. He simply enjoys the good life, spending time with his new wife, eating well and essentially enjoying the great place he lives in. That doesn't make him lazy, neither does it make him a loser I guess it just means his priorities are different, right?

So if it's just a matter of priority I think that everyone that doesn't vote or take an active part in democracy is a loser. Is that okay? no, not really, I know plenty of people that don't take part in democracy and yes I despise them a little (tends to be only around election time), but not enough to think they're losers, or distance myself from them. Wrecking my brain since the night of the original insult(s -- I was also laughed at for my height, the fact I smoke rolling tobacco, my pay grade -which was by the way the minimum wage- and various other things I can't help) I have only been able to think of one loser, and really, it's only because this particular person thinks he needs to lie about his achievements.

I should start packing, I'm procrastibaking/procrasticooking all the time instead of doing that. Shit, will I ever be able to leave this place? I have too much stuff. What should I be taking to Taiwan? how many evening dresses is it appropriate to take in my backpack? Will I take my hair straighteners? it's exhausting all this thinking. I might go make some Red Velvet Hummingbird cupcakes with Nastasja now, seems like more fun than packing/thinking about packing/writing about thinking about packing.

This track has been on repeat in my head for about three months (since Simao posted it) I find myself swooning over Mr. Homme in the same way I did ten years ago when I first listened to songs for the deaf.

Doctors have never scared me. Ever.

I always think that whatever is wrong with me is easily cured by painkillers and that any more serious health problems are left to people that are less dramatic and more positive about life. Firstly, I should mention that faced with the possibility of having a serious health problem, I have been neither dramatic nor negative and secondly, I'm now scared of Doctors.

It isn't quite the actual Doctor as it is the power that they seem to wield with their words "dysfunction", "unusual cell growth", "in brain". Yes, scary eh? I thought so too. I think there should be a ban on speaking in those terms if you have a medical degree.

(This has, by the way, been and gone, I won't be dying of a brain tumour any time soon)

This week has been a terrible news week. The football overtakes basically everything (thousands displaced in Brazil- death toll as yet unknown, Gaza blockade relaxed, Oil in the U.S and so on...) I hate the sporting news being more newsworthy than natural disasters/ important politics that affect us all in one way or another.

I was faced with an odd comment from a good friend the other day asking if I think it's right that "people would have to work until they're 70!" as if that should shock and appall me, it did neither. People in less developed countries work till they drop to be able to feed themselves, we work until we're 70 (when we have free health care and a good 10years before we become incontinent) and even then, if we saved money for retirement (10p from every £1 from the age of 28! seems unrealistic even for those of us most responsible) we could still retire whenever we wanted and we would be able to withdraw our state pension at the appropriate age. This last paragraph reminded me that I am a bit of a bore.

My old flatmate Ruth's short (but very sweet) visit has made me realise the transient nature of a city that has four universities and a big famous castle that brings the tourists to the yard (essentially Edinburgh Castle is the equivalent of Kelis' 'milkshake') and reminded me that this was always just a temporary solution to the lack of degree. Bah, where else will I find a mosque that serves me food? where?!

I need to remember all the bad things about Edinburgh. Jakies, schemmies, drunks, the last three leading to violence, lack of diversity, the general anaemia of the population, the strong winds that regularly batter me and I think in the long term would lead to premature ageing of the skin, too many tourists on any given sunny day, scary groups of small(ish) kids and I could go on but actually, I love this city, and the strange jakies, and the fact that it turns from Bruntsfield leafiness to Fountainbridge scariness in the space of 500meters and a 10minute stroll.

Pastures new. I want to learn Chinese, or at least how to say 'hello', 'thank you' and 'that one'.

D